You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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