you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
