I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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