I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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