Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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