Please, let me fuck your mom
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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