I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Randomize
