Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Ketchup is God's man juice
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize