Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
