just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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