Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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