if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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