My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
