They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
