We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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