You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
