so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
