she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
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