She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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