So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
