Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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