Sry I called you an 8
we have pet lesbian snakes
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
