Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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