You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
