sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
