Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
