I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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