he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
