I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
We're too hungover to prance.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
