Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
