jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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