Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
