And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
