I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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