420 ftw
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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