oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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