I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I want to have your abortion
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
