I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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