It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
