the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
