We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We're too hungover to prance.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
