woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You may now shotgun with the bride
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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