so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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