My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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