I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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