I'm lost and stupid without you.
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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