My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
