i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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