I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
