ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Randomize
