Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Randomize
