Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
