I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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