You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
