I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize