I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
