My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
