my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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