I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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